Dear James Cameron,

First, I’d like to take this opportunity to congratulate you on doing something that most filmmakers can only dream about, laying a UFC-like smack down on your own movie to surpass yourself as highest grossing movie of…ever. Well, YOU directed it, you weren’t the actual movie, that would be awkward and depressing if a movie of just you earned almost $2 billion. Anyway. It must be the ultimate source of validation to know that you could stomp all over the previous record (yours) by making a movie that’s already been made! Probably at least a dozen times too! Of course your titanic special effects budget is obviously the reason for the monster gross, but come on Jim (can I call you Jim?). Don’t you feel just a tiny bit guilty about the lack of originality of your plot?

Of course you don’t, you’re James Fucking Cameron. I totally took a stab at your middle name there but it feels right. The effects were incredible, but to me, after my ass went numb at about the hour and fifteen minute mark, I stopped caring about the effects and focused more on the fact that the plot was going NOWHERE. I mean really, we all assumed from the ads that the blue chick would teach Jake to master all of the skills necessary to become the obvious leader of the blue people. I mean, Na’vi. Did you have to drag it out? Of course you did. Why? You’re James Fucking Cameron and you had to be all showy showy with your newfangled edge and flare. Guess what?? You even one-upped the Apple tablet that isn’t even out yet. I bet that poor tablet shit a processor chip when it saw your gadgets. Did that feel better than when you spent all those hours in your underwater space alien ship exploring the Titanic?

Btw Jim, now that you’re famous again (because honestly people forgot about you, let’s just get that out), are you going to return to researching the Titanic? Or have you abandoned her altogether? I hope she’s not just another wife to you that’s gonna slip into the unknown only to return to direct a film that’ll give you a run for your awards show ego boost.

Also, Jim, do you know how expensive it is to go see a 3D movie these days? In Texas it’s cheaper to see it in Imax than in the regular theater. It’s $13 versus $12. I know, a dollar. That’s an insignificant can of ravioli to those of us not making billions though, Jim. You should probably pass that along to someone.

Lastly, Jim, what was that horrible noise that came out of the blue girls mouth every time she cried? Did you burn a cat and mix it with T-Rex sounds to get that? I don’t understand? It was very, um, primitive I guess which is probably what you were going for but for goodness sakes every time she “cried” it made my ears bleed!

I think that’s all, Jim. I’ve gotten a little off topic and I started this letter to you at 7 a.m., so please forgive me. What I really mean to say is, Jim, can I ride in your underwater alien spaceship and see the Titanic too? Cause that’s cool.

Love,

Me.

P.S. Jim, I wonder…have you ever seen FernGully?

P.P.S. Or Pocahontas?

P.P.S.S. What’s up with your hair Jim?! Who do you think you are, Eric Clapton?! NO.

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